Most school teachers, pediatricians, daycare providers and others
who work closely with children are knowledgeable about the signs and
symptoms of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). They know
that the child with ADHD has more difficulty completing tasks than his
peers. A teacher might notice that homework assignments are typically
turned in late, or filled with sloppy errors. They know that the child
with ADHD is forgetful and sometimes "spacey." An afterschool care
provider might notice that a child doesn't stay "tuned in" to what her
peers are doing, so is socially awkward and often has trouble keeping
friends. The people who care for other people's children sometimes take
the bold step of pointing out their concerns to the child's parents. "Do
you think your child might have ADHD?" they ask.
When a parent hears that their child is having problems in school
or with peers that might be related to ADHD, the reaction is mixed. If the
parent has suspected ADHD for a while, the news can be a relief. ADHD
explains why it is that their child can't seem to complete chores around
the house without constant reminders. ADHD explains why their child is the
loudest and most disruptive child on the playground, and at the swimming
pool, and at every birthday party they ever attended. Hearing that their
child might have ADHD explains why all their efforts at being a good parent
haven't solved their child's problems.
Hearing that their child might have ADHD is also frightening. A
parent may know that ADHD can be treated with medication, so immediately
starts worrying about what "being on pills" will do to their child. They
anxiously recall controversial news stories about children abusing Ritalin
and Dexedrine, which are the most common medications used to treat ADHD.
The parents may have heard that ADHD is a brain-based disorder, so are
flooded with anxiety that somehow their child is "broken" or defective, and
will never be okay. Hearing that their child might have ADHD, a parent
might jump ahead of themselves.
One of the most difficult problems about identifying ADHD is that
many of the signs and symptoms of the disorder are also symptoms of other
problems, including other psychological disorders such as
Obsessive-compulsive Disorder, Depression, and Childhood Anxiety Disorders.
When a parent hears that their child might have ADHD, they also need to
know that sometimes typical problems in daily living and typical problems
in child development can lead to ADHD-like symptoms. Although the
medication treatment used for ADHD is very effective, the outcome of
medication treatment can't be used to diagnose ADHD. Research studies have
shown that the types of medication used to treat ADHD are often helpful to
children without ADHD as well.
Children who are anxious, have low self-esteem or who have learning
problems can show some of the same behavior and attention problems of
children with ADHD. For example, a child with a learning disability or one
who worries about "being a failure" may be unable to think about anything
except how many mistakes they might make. When this child tries to finish
their math homework, or do a spelling test, thoughts and worries about
"doing it wrong" keep them from doing it right or doing it at all.
The anxious child may be able to do their homework perfectly when a
parent or teacher sits right next to them, because the attention and praise
is reassuring to the child. Without it, though, the homework is incomplete
or filled with mistakes that look like the sloppy, careless work of
children with ADHD. Although many children with ADHD can become extremely
anxious or frustrated about attention-demanding tasks like schoolwork,
anxiety and frustration that interferes with schoolwork or clear thinking
is not in itself a sure sign that a child has ADHD.
Children who are living in families under stress also can have
ADHD-like problems. Despite a parent's best efforts to keep adult stresses
out of their child's life,their child may have "emotional radar" that picks
up all the problems in the household. For example, the child of parents
who are struggling with their marriage, arguing with each other, or
considering divorce may act out the emotional problems of their parents.
The child of unhappy, distressed parents might be irritable and
argumentative himself. He may have trouble containing his emotions, so
blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in a stressful situation. He
may seem impulsive and distractible because he doesn't have confidence that
problems ever really get solved, so walks away at the first minor
frustration. The stressed child might be emotionally needy, so interrupts
others without consideration of their feelings.
The longer there is uncertainty or stress in a child's life, the
more the child's behavior looks like it is an internal problem of the
child. During a two-year struggle in a marriage, a child under 10 years
old will live out almost a quarter of his life. A child under stress may
end up noticeably behind her peers in social skills because she spent such
a large portion of her life feeling ornery, unhappy and confused.
Oftentimes, people who work with children don't feel it is their
place to query parents about their personal lives. They may see that a
child is suffering from low self-esteem, but know that ADHD can cause
problems with self-esteem. They may hear about a divorce after the child's
household is divided, but have no knowledge of the years-long struggle that
preceded it. If they had helped the child get treatment by pointing out
the need for ADHD medications during the difficult years prior to the
divorce, who would advocate taking away the medication once the child's
life had settled down?
When a parent hears that their child might have ADHD, they need to
hear the might in those words. They need to evaluate the stresses in their
own lives and the state of their household. They need to evaluate their child's sense of well-being, because they know their child better than
anyone does. The news that a child might have ADHD is the "go" light for parents to get moving down the road to better times for their family.
Books, videos, and internet websites on ADHD, stress, divorce, and
self-esteem are accessible to anyone with a library card. Pediatricians, family physicians, and school counselors can offer referrals to mental
health professionals such as psychiatrists, psychologists and
neuropsychologists who diagnose and treat ADHD, as well as stress-related and developmental problems. And parents need to talk with parents.
Everywhere there are children, there are parents -- school PTO meetings,
soccer games, community support groups and churches. When a parent hears
that their child might have ADHD, the might in those words gives them power
to make their life and their child's life better.
More and more individuals, predominantly adolescent and adult males, report that they have developed the habit of going to porn sites and either masturbating to the material on screen or downloading it for later use. Curiosity is one of the main reasons individuals identify for their first visit. Such individuals avoid any potential embarrassment of buying material at a convenience store, renting material from a video store, or being seen entering a porn shop. In many cases, the curiosity is quickly satisfied and the individual rarely, if ever returns, faced only with the "trail" left by his browser and the disturbing fact that many porn sites leave "cookies" and in some cases make it very difficult to stop the browser from continuing to load porn sites in the future.
Some people, however, develop a habit -- sometimes an intense habit called an obsession -- with this form of sexual release. I've had clients tell me that they find excuses to leave work or school early in order to spend entire afternoons on these sites, downloading, viewing, and, most of the time, masturbating, sometimes many times a day, to this material. Others stay up late at night to do the same thing. Still others have yielded to their obsession while at work, downloading porn on company computers or viewing it there, frequently with discovery and a resulting suspension or in being fired.
Is it harmless?
Is viewing porn on the web harmless? Is it not "safe sex" in which no person will be risking a sexually transmitted disease or unwanted pregnancy? While that is ultimately a personal decision, it is the case that many clients come for help to stop this obsession because they note that it is ruining their relationships, is focusing their attention more and more on sexualized ways of thinking, and is inducing feelings of guilt and shame that reach clinical proportions.
If you are a person attempting to stop such a porn "addiction"--the jury is out on whether the word addiction is technically accurate for this behavior pattern, but those trying to quit certainly experience the problem as addictive -- then read on...
What can I do to stop?
The concepts originally developed in the drug and alcohol treatment area collectively called "relapse prevention" are the first steps to learn about. They include understanding the "high risk" situations that "trigger" urges. These include identifying when you are likely to engage in this behavior and how you are feeling before you start your "chain of steps" to act out. Things like feeling lonely, upset, sexually aroused from something seen or heard earlier in the day, an opportunity, and many other conditions which increase the chances that you'll act out.
Learning how you give yourself permission do something you are trying not to do is also a central concept to learn in relapse prevention. Called a "thinking error" or a "cognitive distortion" (my patients like to call this thinking "self-bullsh*t") this form of thinking is essential to recognize and challenge. Examples of thinking errors include "well, this isn't hurting anybody" or "nobody could ever know" or "just this last time, then I'll stop!" We tend to believe these thoughts as we move towards acting out, and then, following completion of the action, we feel terrible about "giving in."
If an individual knows about his high risk factors and his favorite thinking errors, then he can set up a "radar watch" so that he doesn't blindly keep walking into his addictive cycle of using thinking errors to keep justifying his habit.
Sometimes short-term therapy with a clinician trained in relapse prevention is the way to go. There are also support groups, most modeled on 12-step programs, which also use relapse prevention concepts. A national self-help group called Sex Addicts Anonymous probably has a chapter near you. Check them out.
See our Links page for websites for 12-step sexual addiction help.
What if nothing seems to work?
If all else fails, you have several electronic options:
- Buy a software product that "locks out" X-rated sites. Have somebody else install it for you.
- Contact your Internet Provider and ask for advice about locking out sites. There are "filter" programs and sites that are avialable for this purpose.
- Use the computer only when somebody else is present. Change ALL habits related to isolating yourself when on the web
- Throw away your modem if you have to.
Test yourself
Here's a self-help test for those using porn sites or X-rated chat rooms, etc:
- 1. I'm spending more and more time in web activities related to sexual arousal.
- 2. I feel bad about going there and want to stop, but I can't.
- 3. My spouse, girlfriend, etc. would be hurt, distressed, or would break up with me if she knew what I was doing.
- 4. I am using these sites instead of giving my relationship the time it needs.
- 5. I use these sites to escape from other problems that are bothering me
If you answered yes to item 1 and yes to at least one of the other questions, then you probably should do something about this habit. The chances that you'll satisfy your curiosity and stop is low. The chance that the habit will become a serious issue in your life is pretty high.
